Days like ouch.

I’m using these days to really figure stuff out. And I’m going through a lot of achingly low lows. At the same time I think I’m growing again in ways I wouldn’t have if I’d stayed. I became so dependent and robotic. I stopped trying. Not just with her. With life. I only embraced the routine and the embrace was more like a limp pat on the back. It’s been nearly 4 months since I said the word “break” to her not knowing I’d feel literally broken in these ensuing days and weeks. And months. I never felt closer to someone than I did her and I’m going through a lot of amazingly cliche moments where everything reminds me of her. And then, ultimately, my eyes will well up. I’ve been wearing sunglasses a lot more.

This is the sunset in your eyes

Oh the turmoil of the past few months. I don’t know how you go from 3 years to nothing. I’m not sure I’ve stuck with anything else ever in my life for three years. Especially not someone. I feel hollow like the boyfriend piece of me has just vanished. I’ve never really known heartbreak. This is being shitty and having her see. This is not owning up. This might be losing your puzzle piece. This is trying your hardest to avoid it but feeling a magnetic pull to her doorstep. Our doorstep is long gone. I wasn’t happy because I was finding things to feel hollow about. I’m not happy now because this is truly hollow.